Part 3: 30th Birthday Weekend
A sheet cake the size of Texas & a book of poetry
February 7, 2014
To: Sister
Subject: P.S. FOR YOU EYES ONLY!
I talked to Young Brother Christian for almost three hours last night! I think he's actually falling in love with me.... I feel like I'm going to be sick. I keep praying about it because it feels very wrong to me, not “wrong” I guess, just like it can't be serious. And yet... and yet... I can't seem to stop, I like talking to him more than anyone! I would happily give everyone else up to talk to him I like it so much. I think it's bad because we're both so intense and that usually makes things go too fast and too much. I feel embarrassed by this, and I don't want to know what Mom and Dad think.... even though... it's kind of their fault!
love you!
From: Sister
Hahahahaha I don't mean to say it's exactly the same as [that guy I talked to that one time] because that was clearly never going anywhere, even if it was fun to write to him. We wrote the loooongest letters, it was just so nice to be turned on intellectually. I hope it goes better for you. And NO, nothing besides copious letter writing happened! It was one of those things that couldn't have worked in person! We did go do couple of things together, but I met him just before that first year at college ended. I was writing him that whole next summer, and the year I was abroad.
Anyway, I hope things go okay with Young Brother. Maybe it would help if you come back and hang out in person.... It'd might be awkward at first, but maybe it'd help put things in the light of reality. Or maybe it wouldn't. I probably could have made out with the guy I wrote to. I don't think it's a matter of age, he just has to be willing to have kids. And he get a real job…..
love you
February 9, 2014
To: Mom, Dad, Sister & Grandma
This week's installment is a little long, and entertaining. Writing this out makes even the bad parts funny, and the boring weeks seem more interesting.... enjoy!
It was my birthday this week. Got nice texts from tons of people, including - The Sheriff (which made me kinda sad.) I just watched a movie with a character that looked and reminded me a lot of him. I hope he gets his life figured out.
Is it weird when somebody asks you what you like to do for fun, if you reply "husband hunt"? Honestly, it's what takes up a almost all of my free time in the past few months. Oh, that and writing about it to my family members. "I like to read and cook and hang out." Lies... all lies!
I'll start with the serious stuff and get to the amusing fluff after.
Mr. Business - 35, Texas
I had texted him last Friday and told him I'd be busy for the weekend cause it was my birthday coming up but I hoped to talk to him soon. He was cool with that and we had a few texts. Almost a week later I was feeling bummed because he hadn't so much as texted me and I was torn to text him or just leave it. But I decided to just say, "Hope you're having a good week!" and opened his texts to see that the text I'd thought was from a different person by his same first name was actually a birthday wish from him. I'd stupidly replied "thanks pal! :)" because I'd thought it was from this other childhood friend, and closed it because he'd sent it at the exact moment as about three other people texted. So he not only hadn't not texted me, but he'd remembered from my text which day was my birthday and texted. I replied and explained that I had no desire to be "pals", he said he thought maybe it was just a weird northern thing haha. Apparently he's super sick but hopefully we'll talk soon.
Verdict: Trying not to hold my breath over this one, since it seems to be moving like the frozen water in my house on a morning with temperatures at -20F. (good times.)
Napa Valley - 41, California
He’s Facebook messaged me a few times, wished me happy birthday on my wall publicly.... and agreed we should talk soon. But another week has passed with no phone calls. It's weird to me that he hasn't made himself available. He never has given me his cell phone number, or his home phone number. All we do is Facebook. Which is okay, but a little evasive, is he married? Seems weird if our mutual friends set me up with a married person. I guess another part of me thinks that if you're into me at all, you'll make time no matter how busy you are. Being busy is a lame excuse - maybe I'm on the bottom of a wife list because I don't like sports.
Verdict: back burner. I don't think he'll get to the next installment.
Engineer Twin - 33, Colorado
We've exchanged a few messages. He seems smart, maybe a little boring. But dependable and predictable are nice too. He's Presbyterian and goes to a church plant that he seems fairly involved in. He said one of his gifts if giving, money and time. An interesting statement. He's an identical twin. He made a phone date today with me (I like the organization of THAT) so we'll see how it goes.
Verdict: Maybe?
Omaha - 42, Nebraska
Has kids, but appears to be boys, which are easier I think...? Maybe? He "might" want more? Has an interesting profile. Is good looking (maybe the best looking on the list?) He cut right to the chase by emailing and saying "You're beautiful, your profile picture makes me smile every time I see it, and I like what you said about God being like your right arm. I have a list with seven requirements, can I email it to you?"
You might think making a science out of this takes away all the romance, but you'd be wrong. I think having a list makes you seem self possessed and confident. You know what you want and you're gonna not only ask for it, but go after it. So... I think he's just earned himself a place on the list! Especially as this has all happened today... and not over the course of a MONTH!
Verdict: Exciting!
Resident - 40, Tennessee
Seem interesting. Is apparently into triathlons and marathons etc. Hugely buff and ripped - from his pictures. I don't typically go for that, as it seems a little intense, and also makes me feel like a slob.
Verdict: We'll see.
NOT ON THE LIST:
Bob - 48, North Dakota
I wish I would remember to stop blocking people before I get the exact text of their actual crazy messages. I'll just have to ad lib this as I remember it.
He messages me, and I go read his profile. It says he already has kids and "might" want more. I'm usually wary of people who say "might" and I usually ask them about that up front, just to clarify. I also ask him for more pictures (his profile doesn't include anything except him in fireproof suit, and wrapped up in winter clothes with just a slit for his eyeballs. I also ask him if he thinks 48 is too old (it’s too old for me).
He wrote back (read this in your best hooo-rah marine navy seal voice for emphasis):
“Age is an issue for you? I run circles around 25 year olds. I work hard and I play hard. (HOO RAH!) I get up at 3am and go down at 11pm, regardless of whether I'm working or playing. Kids are a woman's choice (sir, yes sir!) and so I leave that up to her. I put more pics on my profile. (he didn't, which makes one wonder if he's suffered severe burns over 90% of his body, or if he's just super ugly, as his profile said he's in the top 3% of income in the US, and now all he needs is to be photogenic.... umm....)
I wrote back and said, "A woman's choice? I guess I see it more as a relationship choice, and at 48 you might not want to have more kids."
His reply: “It's a woman's body it destroys, so it's her choice. Good luck in your search and God bless.”
Verdict: Yikes! Block
Roughneck - 38, North Dakota
He drove down and visited again last weekend. (It’s only about four hours, which out here in the hinter lands isn’t a huge thing).
He's so kind, so generous. Bought me a mani pedi for my birthday. And then agreed to come to church with me the next day. He told me he had to run an errand so he’d meet me at the church. It seemed a little weird, but when he got there he walked in the door (I waited for him in the lobby) with a GIANT sheet cake that probably would have fed 200 people! He felt a little sheepish as he explained he had ordered what he thought was a normal size cake only to find it was the biggest one they sold. I was already hesitant to bring him to church with me, since it already seems like a statement, but I wanted him to see that part of my life. But talk about spectacle. I could hear the guys laughing in my head.
We went out to lunch after and had an okay time. But our communication just seems to be on a different wave length. Last night we got into a big conversation/debate about how awful he thinks doctors are, how western medicine is the worst and big pharma is out to get us. He's had a lot of medical issues and I guess he has had a lot of bad experiences. After this conversation we just seemed to start overly debating and almost arguing about ....everything!! Which made me feel worn out and tired.... We both agreed that we really aren't on the same page enough to make a relationship feasible. And when we came to that it really lightened the mood. It was fun to hang out with him and even though it's hopeless it didn't feel like a waste of time. I genuinely think he has so many good qualities and will find someone that’s a good fit for him.
Verdict: off list
But then…… a few days later…..
He texted me.
Roughneck: I really need to say I got on the defensive due to a feeling after the night I talked about doctors I felt things turning for the worse. Everything I said from that point on was crap. I was hurting and defensive I have done this before when relationships have turned south. I want you to know I am sorry for being such an ass. I know you are an amazing person and I really do hope you find the right man who treats you with respect. I just want you to know I was not lying the whole time. I did mean the things I said. I loved your church and enjoyed going with you. I am a jerk sometimes when I see no way out of a bad situation which I created. You are right to have pulled away. I did that. I have a bad taste in my mouth about doctors no doubt, but that was the only truth, the humor issues one can grow accustomed to in time or one can change the delivery. My view on the medical profession has changed a great deal in the last ten years but I still need to make course corrections there. Please do not think me a hypocritical jerk. I just have a funny way of ending things by making sure there is no chance to go back. I know this is burned our bridge and I apologize for that action I need to change that bad character trait in myself. I loved getting to know you and pray you can forgive me for the untruths do take care. I hope we can stay in touch as friends. Good luck and most of all be safe you are too rare a find to end up with a jerk of a guy. I am sure you are smart enough to recognize the bad ones though. I will miss you greatly. - Roughneck
My Reply: Hey! It did get kinda weird, but it's not a big deal. I had fun with you over all. I'm sorry if I made you defensive, I know I can be stubborn as well... And I probably was pushing to see how far I could go, more than I might normally. I think our communication styles are just different, but I have no hard feelings. I think you’re sweet and incredibly generous and I don't think you'll have any problem finding someone great!! I would love to stay friends.
Roughneck: I should have been more considerate. I just was not thinking. I need to be more positive in some areas. I just wish I could go back in time and fix it. But I know we would fact a few issue again I am dry humored. I feel the biggest part is I have not dated in years and with that comes the fact I have become used to being alone and a bit conceded which causes issues. One just should not be alone too long. That has ruined a few friendships for me as well. I need some intersection time and maybe a bit of counseling before I get too serious about dating. I really had no idea you were interested beyond a friend on the second trip. But I am glad I found out that much I must have been doing some things right. I hope I can find someone similar to you in the future because you held most of the ideals I want for a family. Thanks for responding and see you sometime in the future.
Me: *smiley face
So I figured that was that. But then yesterday these came.... Oh boy....
Roughneck: I really hope you have a amazing day! I am actually going to church. After thinking about it all week. I really wanted to let you know I enjoyed everything about you. I had a great time getting to know you and loved how comfortable things felt with you so quickly. We did have a lot of fun. You are incredible and I was lucky to have been able to meet and spend time with you. I loved the way you are so animated about your religion it’s amazing to see. You are so beautiful I have to admit at every hour I had a hard time not starring at you. You are the most beautiful woman I have seen. The way you light up with such passion on certain subjects you have such feeling and emotion about. I will not forget you easily. I was falling very hard for you that is why its so hard to have this be over especially when the reasons are over character traits that can be easily changed or adapted to fit each other with time. I really do want to stay in touch. Be careful you will always have a friend here in ND.
A half hour passed with no reply from me.
Roughneck: I also need you to know I am a strong believer in change and that anyone can change their perceptions and feelings. I want you to know feeling defensive as I did I was being shallow and short sighted. I feel that I can change an opinion based on others thoughts feelings and emotions. I am not unstable or wishy-washy. I just believe people are always growing and learning and adding those aspects they learn to their own character. I change my opinions easily when I feel my basis to my own ideas is flawed. I said I believe in change and I feel that if we are not learning growing and changing we become a stick in the mud. This is why I change my own perceptions and base ideals when I see the need to do so. I can change the little things that bothered you. I can find ways to open up further and show you why I feel so strongly about being able to change. I just know if I am not changing learning and growing I start feeling stuck in a rut. I feel strongly about you and everything I felt while around you. I am sorry I became so awful the last days. I just have been too long out of a relationship. I really would love to talk more if you can open your heart up and see I never meant to hurt you. I just would ask for a second Chance. Is there really any huge stumbling block in our path we did not discuss? I just find a few tiny personality traits to be some things to rectify. I am very open to changing for you. If you will let me. I honestly have never in my life gone back to a relationship after it was over. I have never felt so strongly about one either. We made a good match in so many areas is there really no room for a little more understanding about each other. To be certain there is no way to work through these issues and come out better people for it.
Told him I'd reply after work. During lunch he sent this:
Roughneck: The one thing that haunts me the most is I would have changed anything for you. I could have been more adaptable. Humor is an individual thing that can be molded in time. I just do not run across many women with so many amazing character traits often. I know its my surroundings I had way more opportunities in other areas. But you are very unique even for there. I found I could laugh joke and take it easy around you which admittedly I may have been too comfortable and I said some things that are not true to character. I should have been more open on many other things though. In hind sight I loved most things about you. I felt the second day like you had given up and were treating us like a friendship with no potential. I made those comments out of defensive frustration. I was hurting I could see this was over written all over your character and body language. I really perceived things the wrong way and wish I had more time to get to know you before making such a final decision. So much I feel was left unsaid and undone. We could have given it a bit more time. Have you ever been in a funk where you had so much of your life go by without feeling like you were moving in a good direction? I was in that state when I met you and I was a little negative in regards to my actions and character. I found purpose with you and just feel like in time you might see the real side to me that is open honest deeply committed and loving. I have so many regrets about things I wish I would have handled differently most of all sitting down and discussing life in general and what you needed and wanted from a husband. I just had such a hard time reading you and wish I could have grasped you a little better. I see how worthwhile you are and want nothing more than to take a second look at all this. I know you have to want the same things and pray you will open your heart back up and see I only want the best for you I hope we can make this work. I know it is probably too little too late. But I have to ask since loosing you will be a large regret for me for a long time. Is there a chance at all we can try again?
When I got home and I finally replied.
Me: I don’t feel things went nearly as badly as all that. Honestly. And there is no huge glaring reason why I don't see this going further. I just am not sure our personalities really geled together. There's nothing I think you should change, you shouldn't change (and can't change) your personality. I'm not upset at you, or angry with how things turned out. I just don't have strong romantic feelings. You are a great guy, and I’m happy to be friends. But I don't think romantic feelings come or can be forced. It's nothing you said or did, it's just us and how we are together. I hope that makes sense.
Gah….. This is going off a weird cliff!
Roughneck: Yes it does thanks for letting me know. I really enjoyed being with you and hope we can stay friends.
Me: I am happy to be friends. You're a great person.
And by friends what I mean is.... NOT mortal enemies.... hopefully he gets that, but I have a sneaking suspicion that he doesn't. Kind of sad. I feel bad for him. He's needy and I don't want somebody who's like "I'LL CHANGE ANYTHING TO BE WITH YOU!" I really hope things work out for him.
Young Brother Christian - 25, Minnesota
He's NOT on the husband list, so everybody just relax (and he knows this as well). But he's still on some list obviously because we continue to talk...bunches. Mom and Dad, I blame you for letting him hang out with me, and showing me his cool house!
He sent me a birthday present. The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran. Interesting... It does have some pretty stuff about love, and how love will burn you down completely and at the same time bust you open to complete renewal (my paraphrase).
He wrote a letter with it:
Dear Sierra,
I have prayed to be challenged, tested and in turn invigorated. It has been my sincerest pleasure to have made your acquaintance. One which I hope continues for a long time. As we have communicated, I have enjoyed hearing your views. It is always delightful to meet someone and to go further than generalities and pleasantries. With you, this is especially true.
When one builds a foundation of perspective and thought, it is never easy to remove the core or plow over remnants as something stable and rudimentary. It is a painstaking endeavor to accurately assess the soundness of the building blocks of self. It is a delicate undertaking if frail stones are found. Likewise, it is equally as delicate to excavate another’s foundation and chip away at the probable mortar disguising the slanted stone of weakened thought.
I have never been motivated by the desire to reproduce. There is in my estimation, nothing so spectacular about my physical being as to replicate it through another. There is however something quite powerful about ideas. Ideas that can change us, drive us and inspire us. I do not foresee any lacking in the individuals young and old, with too few ideas. (The some cannot be said of the amount of individuals). I appeal to your higher being to understand!
I seek something higher. Something which may never be attained with the realization that the journey is more important than the destination; I cheerfully travel. With an open mind I pray to see.
There is so much to see and to learn. I hope to not get caught up and consumed by this; but to use these avenues of learning to grow. Growing is caring. I am not a loner in this endeavor. There are many, such as yourself, who care deeply for others. This I see to be of utmost importance. Something I hope to use as a guiding principle.
In this life there are many unknowns. I do not wince at the unknowns of life, but ponder as to how best to prepare. I look west to South Dakota, into the heart of the badlands, and see someone who is bright, affable, kind caring and bold.
May you enjoy another year of good health and inspired learning.
Most sincerely,
Young Brother Christian
P.S. I hope you the enjoy The Prophet. It has meant a lot to me.
It's nice to talk to somebody likes to discuss ideas - even though we disagree on SO many things, it's not contentious because we have a similar weird sense of humor. He ABSOLUTELY cannot be kept on the list since he doesn't want kids. We discuss at length how nothing can ever ever happen because of the kids block. (I'm sure there's many other more minor issues that would be blocks as well, but they don't even matter in the face of that other HUGE one). While I think he understands this, I think he's sad. But despite all this… he decided what he really wanted to do was come and hang out in person.
Who am I to stop somebody from spending hundreds of dollars to come visit me?!? So he picked this weekend (Valentine's day no less) to come and see me. Part of me thinks this is ridiculous, but the other part of me thinks - that's fun!
I am not hung up on him, and I think we will be friends, hopefully for many years. He's interesting and goofy, and I don't have a problem being friends. Plus when you're friends with someone you don't HAVE to agree on everything, or see eye to eye. You can say, "Shoooot, you're a goofus, and the stuff you think is ridiculous. Oh well." And that's it.
Am I ridiculous for letting him come visit? I feel like Mrs. Robinson..... But on the plus side I like his optimism and pep about life. He doesn't have the hang-ups of failure that older guys do. No 20 year marriage to get less hung up on here (Here's looking at you Sheriff!)
So... in a good faith move I switched my age range on the dating app down to 28, just to be generous. For the right person, 28 might be workable. Who knows?! A younger guy also has the advantage that he won't die 20 years ahead of me... EGADS!
From the Peanut Gallery
I got a lot of flack this week at church from all the guys (they are married or otherwise engaged, but find my love life of paramount hilarity). They wanted all the low down deets on Roughneck, (and his GI-NORMOUS sheet cake) and laughed when I said I'd ended it. "You mean you dumped him? Or did he dump you?!"
Ashley (yes, he’s a guy, a cowboy name?) said in his classic snarky way, "What happens if you bring somebody we like, and you break up? Can we pick them over you?"
I accidentally mentioned I might be bringing Young Brother Christian this coming week, but specified that "We're JUST friends"
"Does he know that?" they asked.
"Yes!" I said
"You realize that all he sees is a challenge when you say that," they said.
Shoot.....
Ashley said I should bring them all at once, just throw them all to the wolves so we can see who sinks and who swims.
Not a bad idea.... not a bad idea....
From: Grandma
Loved your letters. Read them to your great aunt also and we get a kick out of them. Entertainment for the Grandmas! We are still pulling for the California guy, especially since he is known [by your mutual acquaintances]. And sounds best.
Love, Gram
To: Grandma
I'm glad they can entertain :) one has to keep lighthearted about the process, since it can be taxing. I'll keep you posted!
Love you!